Wuvv and Mawwiage.
We've commented before on the family-orientation of Emirati culture. This seems to be extensible to Arab culture in general, though it may be misleading in two ways. The first, the public dynamic of the family--father at the head, wife demure, is not necessarily a reflection of the realities "on the ground" of home, nor is it by any means overwhelmingly normative anymore.
We see increasing numbers of couples who seem to have arrived at a partnership: holding hands, co-managing kids and groceries, and (that telltale sign of marital bliss) squabbling in public. That's the happy side.
The second way in which it is misleading isn't quite so happy, of course, nor is it attributable entirely to tradition or faith because it is an ugly reality around the world: that is that apparent unity and order in public may belie abuse in private. We won't detail those things here because, as we say, they are ubiquitous in human society and owe more to the faults of individual men who use tradition as an excuse than they do anything peculiar to Arab culture.
Let us be clear, since you have no doubt heard of some terrible monstrosities committed in this region: forced marriages, honour killings, rape, etc. Islam, as contained in the teachings of the Qur'an and under the auspices of Shari'ah Law, guarantees the safety, agency, and welfare of brides. How those principles have been interpreted and or corrupted in specific regions, cultures, and families is another matter. There are families even here that have corrupted the doctrines, or have received them in corrupted form, and thus consider abuse in all forms a patriarchal right, and even a rite. We've heard some very terrible things, especially from more radically Islamist places like KSA, Pakistan, Afghanistan, and even supposedly secular Turkey. But it seems--seems--that the UAE is more libertarian in this regard as well, and that the dominant culture, as handed down by the ruling family, is one of greater transparency and rectitude: there are hypocrisies at work, of course, but inhumanity is not the norm by any stretch in our experience.
(A third irony, only recently brought to our attention, is that new mothers studying at the university are allowed one week after delivery to recuperate, then they are to return to their university studies, even if this means living in the hostels during the week and leaving their babies to be cared for by mothers and mothers-in-law. We must say, unequivocally, that this is shameful.)
It would seem, however, that marital relations are generally managed with a presumptive level of commitment, and that flexibility and responsibility are both built in to the institution. Here's what we learned this week about courtship, marriage, divorce, and reconciliation.
Courtship:In general, husbands and wives do not have meaningful interactions before marriage, unless they are known to each other as cousins already. It seems that marriage between first cousins occurs, though the women prefer more distant connections if an in-family marriage is to take place. So incest taboos are in general force.
An interested young man (on his own terms or at the behest of his parents--mothers of sons have often seen these young girls in their ballroom finery at segregated portions of other wedding feats and celebrations, and from the sound of it they dress to the nines) will approach the father or male guardian (uncle, brother, etc.) of an eligible woman and offer a dowry. The dowry is, ostensibly, for her, and may be in the form of a gift of land, a house, or money. There are, of course, certain cultures in the Muslim world where fathers keep the dowry or husbands reclaim it after marriage, but here in the UAE the principle is apparently honoured very closely: the gift is hers and hers alone.
The woman may request that her male representative look into the character and history of the interested man, at which point her rep is supposed to make extensive inquiries. If she then agrees to the engagement, the dowry is transferred. She and her husband-to-be may exchange pictures so that each knows what the other looks like. He is allowed to join her family for meals and socialization, but she will, if it is her family practice, remain veiled and always silent on these occasions. This is a period for her to observe him in social spaces. The engagement may be terminated at any point by either party.
Interesting that the manner of giving assent to the marriage is by silence. Maybe they save all their talking for later.
Marriage:The marriage ceremony is, like everything else (including conversion to Islam) a very simple matter of speaking certain words. The parties, on the other hand, are as lavish and costly as a New York barmitzvah, if not more so. The couple may live in a compound with his family or, if the wife insists, on their own. The husband is responsible for the maintenance of the family, including any children. If the wife works, she is legally permitted to keep all proceeds of her employment for herself. Couples may sign "nuptial" contracts guaranteeing her guardianship of children or a settlement in case of divorce.
Men seem in the main to love children, and are thus very active, at least publicly, in caring for and playing with their children. Some families drag cow-eyed nannies around: some of these seem little better than slavish, ill-defined "jobs," and others seem to have adopted the nanny into family life as a kind of live-in aunt.
Divorce and Reconciliation:Only men can pronounce divorce, and again, it's simply a matter of saying "I divorce you." If he changes his mind, the husband may approach the wife in humility and ask her to come back. If she agrees, they pick up where they left off. If not, she is often expected to return the dowry, even in cases where she has been mistreated. This is to keep peace between families, and seems to be a holdover from tribal relations, which still influence some marriages, it seems.
If a man divorces his wife a second time, he can ask her to come back, but he must offer her a second dowry, over and above what he already paid. This is, we are told, a deterrent from divorce.
If he divorces her a third time, they must sever all contact. He can only remarry her if she has been married to another man in the interim, and is released by divorce or widowed. She cannot, however, marry another man simply for the purpose of remarrying her original husband. This is because divorce is frowned upon, and the penalty for strike three typically deters divorce since no man wants to think his wife has been with someone else.
Polygamy:Bonus. Polygamy is allowed only if a) the man is capable of caring for additional wives and families, b) he has reason for doing so (similar to early secular justifications of polygamy in the US context: care of widows and orphans or the security of spinsters), c) has the approval of his first wife, though this last one is, again, abused in some areas.
Special thanks to Shaimaa and Aisha for their patience in explaining all of this. Wendy has also contributed through some of her reading of late. A search on the web will yield both naively idealistic portrayals and rabidly critical portrayals. For instance, this
rather alarming piece from the Daily Mail (also our photocred). The general truth, as always, is somewhere in the middle.
Next week in Islam: prayer, from what the Prophet said to the supplicatory do'a.
Peace alakum.
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