Jobs that Suck, Vol. I

Sorry, Mom. There's no other verb for it.

Here they are, in increasing order of suckiness, like a Letterman countdown, only with 6 instead of 10.

6. University Professor
I'm kidding. Sort of. Back at it in a week. Nothing done.

5.Escalator Guard
I'm referring to the fearless men (and woman) of Sparks Security who are daily posted at the top of the first floor escalator in the tertiary turret entrance to our mall. That's harder to explain than it's worth. But these guys are hating life. It's like paid people-watching when you don't like watching people. They sit there for the whole shift making sure no one does anything crazy like walk down the up escalator or, heaven forbid, up the down. Occasionally they'll crack jokes into their radios, probably about the gangly, pot-bellied westerners swaggering their way up the down escalator, just to stay awake. Just upstairs, in the vaulted turret, is the movie theatre and sheesha bar. So at about 2000h, the guards start to chill, bro. Maybe this job's not all that bad.

4. Gutter Cleaner
Okay, imagine you're at the beach with your little pail and shovel, building castles in the sand, the sun shining warmly on your tossled little head, and sea birds calling as they drift in the breeze overhead. Then take away the beach, replace the plastic shovel and pail with a trowel and a large, rusted bucket with ominously jagged perforations, crank up the temperature to the high 30s, stick yourself in a heavy pair of coveralls, and forget about the birds and the breeze. Well, there is a breeze--from the traffic whipping by at 110 kmh, from which you are separated by 2 feet of air and a rubber cone.

3. Traveling Parking Lot Car Washer
Welcome to the pit of despair. Don't even think about--hack, hack, cough. Muggy, fumy, cavernous: these are the dark places of the earth, and the orcs shuffle about with their washing trolleys ready to labour over your dirty carriage for a pittance. Okay, not really the earth. And like everything else around here, parking garages are generally very clean, if not hospitable. Indeed, it is this army of subcon and near-eastern expats that keeps the whale's teeth shining. I dare you: drop a piece of garbage on the floor and wait for a few seconds . . . .

2. Maid/Nanny
It's hard to describe how disheartening a scene it is to see a nanny, usually Filipina, lugging around an over-grown toddler behind the gliding form of the child's mother. I say disheartening because I don't think the job description is really all that well defined, which basically means that these women end up doing whatever their "mistresses" want them to. Smiles, at least when the adults are around, are rare indeed. Lodging is usually a very small room sequestered from the rest of the house, with a/c controlled by the homeowner. We have seen a few examples of obviously peaceable and mutually respectful working relationships, but I gotta tell you, as an observer, that I often think of the two Harriets--Tubman and Beecher Stowe--these days.

1. Bathroom Attendant
There is nothing redeeming about this one, except that in most cases the bathrooms are pristine and even palatial. But they're still bathrooms: no windows, the odour of stale urine (isn't urine already stale by definition?) and incense air fresheners has got to be toxic, never mind following after this, that, and the other fellow into a stall to inspect and, if necessary, spray down the whole shebang. But they are Johnnys-on-the-spot, these fellows. Always ready with a mop or a paper towel, or a friendly smile for Jonah. I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to tip them if they help, but I honestly never have petty cash when I go in.


More as we see them. I could easily include construction worker: sandals as often as steel-toed boots, loose garments that are prone to getting caught in machines--some worksites are an OSHA Inspector's paradise, others stick with a high standard. But there is something pathetic about it all: the ropy arms and carved faces of these construction guys are a far cry from the burly, helmeted, fatly-paid dignity of the North American variety. Skill for skill, they'd win any construction olympics, though. Just a sad sight is all.

But I must say that there is a basic humanity in most of the labour-trafficking here in the UAE. I've heard horror stories from KSA and other, more conservative places. And Emiratis are increasingly accustomed to the presence of all these foreigners and increasingly a) accommodating and b) kind, actually. True story. No one's telling me to write this. I have seen several episodes that confirm that the Sheikh's handprint is indelible on hearts and souls alike.